OLIVER KIRKLAND: User Guide and Manual
by Gabrielle Roe
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! You just received your very own OLIVER KIRKLAND unit! To ensure you don't have a bad time, a manual has been included so you and your unit don't get off on the wrong foot.


**Technical Specifications**

Name: Oliver Kirkland. Will respond to "England", "Britain", "The British Empire", "2p!England", "Ollie", and "Olliekins"

Age: 23

Place of Manufacture: Nottingham, England

Height: 5'9

Weight: 140 lbs

Length: Say hello to Big Ben

 **Your unit comes with the following:**

Two (2) pink and blue sweater vests

Three (3) button up shirts

Three (3) blue bow ties

Four (4) khaki pants

One (1) pair of loafers

Two (2) scrapbooks with kits included

Four (4) bottle set of poison

 **Programming**

Your OLIVER KIRKLAND unit comes equipped with the following traits:

Baker: It's no secret that this 2P! has an affinity for baking. Whether or not they're poisonous depends on how OLIVER KIRKLAND feels about you and how you treat his family. Nevertheless, his exceptional baking skills will most certainly get him hired at any restaurant or bakery!

Therapist: It's widely known that OLIVER KIRKLAND is a great listener and likes giving out advice. He can become a therapist and get the money really rolling in! Just call our services to provide your OLIVER KIRKLAND with a degree and everything with go smoothly from there on out!

Fashion Consultant: While this unit loves baking and the occasional gossip, he also loves clothing! As a fashion consultant, he'll rarely have an upset customer, as long as that customer loves blue, pink, bows, and sweaters of all kinds! Though he's no FLAVIO VARGAS, his fashion advice works just as well.

 **Removal of your Unit from Packaging**

To help safely remove your unit without the prospect of a swirly eyed brit lunging at you, here we listed ways to help unpack him:

1\. Ask to have help baking - this cheerful unit loves to bake and by asking him to help you bake something, you might as well have told him he just won the lottery! He'll awaken bright and bubbly and promptly drag you into the kitchen to start a bake-a-thon.

2\. Insult bow ties and sweater vests - he will burst from his container, ranting about the perks of bow ties and sweater vests until he's blue in the face.

3\. Politely ask him to wake up - this is, without a doubt, the easiest way to wake up your OLIVER KIRKLAND unit. He will wake up as the cheery, freckled brit he is and will try to engage you in conversation.

 **Reprogramming**

 _Cheery (Default)_

 _Emotional (Default)_

 _Fatherly Figure_

 _Swirly Eyed_

 _Naughty Lover (Locked)_

 _Jack the Ripper (Locked)_

With your unit, _cheery_ and _emotional_ are his defaults. In these modes, he's unnaturally optimistic and is prone to being attached to the owner. If the OLIVER KIRKLAND unit is yelled at, treated badly, or anything along those lines, he will tend to cry. But not as much as you will if a FRANCOIS BONNEFOY unit, ALLEN JONES unit, and/or MATTHEW WILLIAMS unit finds out you were treating your OLIVER KIRKLAND unit badly.

It is well known that America was a colony of England for quite sometime. Because of this little factoid, OLIVER KIRKLAND is a very loving and caring fatherly figure. He always seems to know when you're upset and will talk to you or slip a bit of your favorite pastry into your room to help cheer you right up. When in _fatherly figure_ mode, he is the best father anyone can ask for.

 _Swirly Eyed_ is one of the unit's more dangerous modes. This mode is activated when you mess with the people the OLIVER KIRKLAND unit considers family, if you swear excessively, or you treat a lady with such disrespect. To get him out of this mode will be a bit tricky if you don't have a FRANCOIS BONNEFOY unit, but he will more than likely sit back and watch the rampage to follow.

The _Naughty Lover_ mode is locked by the request of the clientele. It appears they didn't like waking up in the middle of the night, chained to their bed with a rather dominant OLIVER KIRKLAND standing at their foot of the bed, ready for the night and prepared with leather, chains, and toys. But what else were they to expect of someone who cared for ALLEN JONES? He had to get his sexual escapade ideas from someone. This mode can be unlocked through extensive exposure to brothels, grade A porn, or teasing. Getting him out of the mode will require a FRANCOIS BONNEFOY unit or sending him to sex rehab.

Last but definitely not least is the _Jack the Ripper_ mode and this is locked for the safety of civilians. It's very hard to unlock, so there is rarely an OLIVER KIRKLAND unit who slips into this mode. While you only have to mess with a family member to get him into _Swirly Eyed_ mode, you have to physically beat down on his family and friends to the point where they need to go to the hospital ASAP. When in this mode, OLIVER KIRKLAND will go on a rampage during the night and drag the very persons who dared to harm his loved ones to your basement or somewhere cold. Not only will he torture them, he will kill them and preserve their bodies for baking or cooking necessities. You may not even know he is doing this, he is so good at it that you wouldn't have a clue to what he's doing unless you catch him right in the act. There isn't a way to get him out of this mode as far as we know. You just let him carry on until all the people on his hit list are gone.

 **Relationships with Other Units:**

Arthur Kirkland: Both of these units get along half the time. OLIVER KIRKLAND enjoys baking with his 1P! counterpart and gossiping about their families. The other half of the time, ARTHUR KIRKLAND can't stand how bright and bubbly he can be.

Francois Bonnefoy: Think platonic life partners. They act like a married couple with OLIVER KIRKLAND fretting over the FRANCOIS BONNEFOY unit and making sure he sleeps, eats, etc. Unlike their counterparts, they get along fairly well and are known to occasionally have intimate "interactions". OLIVER KIRKLAND is well aware of the dark work the unit usually does and turns a blind eye to it so long as no one close to him gets hurt.

Francis Bonnefoy: These two can be the best of friends if pushed in that direction. They are fairly neutral to each other, throwing sass and snide remarks on occasion, but never miss a chance to share recipes to try out! Think of those suburban mothers on facebook who get together and drink wine.

Allen Jones: OLIVER KIRKLAND absolutely adores this unit as a son and just wants what's best for him, even if he does get on his nerves unintentionally. ALLEN JONES does tend to be jealous whenever his father figure treats other units, especially his 1P!, like his own child.

Alfred Jones: Because of the similarities between the ALFRED JONES unit and the ALLEN JONES unit, OLIVER KIRKLAND tends to treat him as a son and he doesn't mind. In fact, ALFRED JONES enjoys the attention since canonically his own caretaker, while he loved him very much, wasn't around very often.

Matthieu Williams: Again, he loves this unit and thinks of him as a son. He often makes treats for MATTHIEU WILLIAMS because he knows that they don't have a lot in common and how standoffish he can be, but that he loves his baking.

Matthew Williams: Ashamedly, OLIVER KIRKLAND does tend to forget this unit even though he treats him as a son. When he does remember MATTHEW WILLIAMS, they like making maple treats and pancakes together while OLIVER KIRKLAND shoots out apology after apology for forgetting him.

 **Cleaning**

Your OLIVER KIRKLAND unit is capable of cleaning himself but tends to pamper himself with bath or shower bombs, bubble baths, etc. He is uncomfortable bathing with others so don't get so downtrodden if he turns down your offer.

 **Feeding**

OLIVER KIRKLAND can be your own personal 5 star chef who insists on cooking each and every meal. He likes appealing to everyone's tastes and if there is something you love that he doesn't know how to make, he will go out of his way to learn how to make it.

 **Rest**

Much like his counterpart, OLIVER KIRKLAND has and loves his routine-in bed no later than 11 pm and will slip into a low level _Swirly Eyed_ mode if you disturb his sleep. Other than that, he sleeps like an angelic baby.

 **Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My unit won't stop baking me cupcakes and there's already hundreds made! What do I do?

A: It seems your OLIVER KIRKLAND is getting stir crazy and subtly telling you he wants to open his own bake shop. Not much can be done until you can help him start it up.

Q: My unit has become secluded and whenever he sees a toddler or baby, he bursts into tears and tries to reassure me he's fine. I'm worried and don't know what to do!

A: Your unit is a very family orientated man. It's actually common for OLIVER KIRKLAND units to experience a desire to have a child of his own. If you are not ready for another unit, then your unit's depression will fade with time. If not, call customer services and specifically address your unit's problem. Immediately you will be sent a little!2P!America!

Q: Uh, so my unit won't stop watching period dramas and he keeps crying over them and he's really racking up my netflix bill, what do I do?

A: This is a normal function for the OLIVER KIRKLAND units, we are afraid there is nothing you can do about this other than politely ask him to stop using your account.

 **Troubleshooting**

Problem: Your OLIVER KIRKLAND unit has forgone his sweater vests and pink and blue clothes and has donned a deerstalker hat, corncob pipe, a 24 ft long knitted scarf of 70's colors, a brown trench coat, 3D glasses, and an abundance of Union Jack paraphernalia.

Solution: Congratulations! You've managed to unlock _Teaboo Mode_ , where your unit is the epitome of UK weebiness. He becomes obsessed with British television shows, ships characters, and wails over the "feels". To get him out of this mode, just give him a healthy dose of your own teaboo phase, or someone you know if you were never an extreme teaboo, and just show him how cringe worthy that path can be if he's not careful.

Problem: Instead of unboxing a grown man with a million watt smile, you received a preteen with long, messy strawberry blonde hair, freckles all over his body, and a bubbly, feminine personality.

Solution: We mixed up your order and you received young!2P!Oliver Kirkland. This version of OLIVER KIRKLAND is relatively the same but loves to go on adventures so be sure to keep an extra eye on him! He also likes to dress in girl clothes and will burst into tears if you even try to trim up his hair. His 2P! family are more fiercely protective of this version and if you defend and protect him, they will be forever indebt to you.

 **Endnotes**

With the right attitude, you and your OLIVER KIRKLAND unit will get along just fine. If he isn't your cup of tea, feel free to send him back and please give us feedback on what we could improve with him.

* * *

 **Hallo, is'a me, Gabby!**

 **Sorry this took forever to get out, I got really stumped on what to write about him. I'm posting this on the third anniversary of my fic, I Blame the Government, just in case I don't get out the actual chapter by tonight.**

 **Hope you guys enjoy it!**

 **Toodles~**


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